Breastfeeding vs. Pumping

Breastfeeding compared to pumping is like insanity compared to sanity, for me. When I found I was pregnant again, all I felt was panic. I thought of how hard the first three months with Aubrey were, and how unhappy I was. I really thought that I had had PPD, but come to find out it was more so the breastfeeding that made me a nutcase. 

With Aubrey she latched immediately, the problem is she never wanted to stop. Aubrey was always hungry. I felt stuck at home because I was not/ am not comfortable with breastfeeding in public. She cried all the time, and sometimes fed for three hours straight. She didn't want anyone else holding her. I was the only one who could calm her down. She associated me with food, so even if she wasn't hungry as soon as I'd pick her up she wanted to eat. About a month in Aubrey was starting to choke and gag every time she fed. I was overproducing. Which then led to me getting mastitis several times. Then on top of that I had a few bouts of thrush. I felt that I never got to enjoy Aubrey's first few months, I was always so stressed about feeding her. I cried quite often, got frustrated easily, and always felt overwhelmed.

With Addison it's been so different. She didn't latch well at all. Then she was in the NICU for a week, unable to be breastfed. So I started pumping. I didn't realize how much easier it would be. I love knowing exactly how much she is getting. I love being able to go anywhere and not feel panic if she becomes hungry. I still over produce but instead of choking and gagging Addison, I have a freezer full of extra breast milk. I haven't gotten mastitis, because I can fully empty each time I pump.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate every second of breastfeeding. There are definitely positives to it. For me though those positives just don't outweigh the negatives.