Happy 3rd Birthday Addison Avery!

I can't believe she is 3 already. How is it possible that time has gone by so fast. It really scares me. I want to savor every minute of the kids being babies, but I feel like life gets so crazy and hectic that I blink, and Addi's 3 already! She is just so sweet these days and I am loving all the kisses and cuddles. It is amazing to watch her change as she gets older. We went through a really rough phase from 1- 2 1/2, she was just really angry at times and it was really hard to handle. I know it had a lot to do with our communication struggles, but even that has improved by leaps and bounds and I am excited to see what school will do to help her speech even more. Addi is such a strong and amazing little girl. I am so lucky that I get to be her mama!

We had a great family party for her this year. We got the season passes to Disney in lieu of big parties, which has been harder on me than the kids of course. I love big parties with lots of family and friends celebrating with us, but Disney is definitely worth giving it up for a year! Addi had a great time and really that's all that matters.

A Special Boy.

I can't sleep. I swear this happens to me every year as Addi's Birthday approaches.Tomorrow (well really now it's today) is Addi's birthday, but it's also the day that Charlie William passed away. I always get anxiety or guilt over celebrating on a day that is one of the saddest days I have ever known. I still remember exactly where I was when I heard the news. I was in the hallway of the NICU trying to get myself together to go back in to see Addi, when a friend called to tell me about Charlie's passing. We were both in disbelief, as we had both just seen him a few days before and we had had a playdate planned for the day it happened, but plans changed. I just remember sitting in that hallway feeling so heartbroken and crushed. I wanted to throw up. I want to rewind the past few days and start all over.

Charlie was such a special boy, he was so sweet and so happy and full of chunk just like Aubrey. I think back to him playing outside in the water with Aubrey, I think about him at the zoo thoroughly enjoying his lunch, I think about him running around my house chasing Aubrey and Logan. When I close my eyes I can still see him so clearly. I didn't even get to know him for very long, but he had such an impact. There was just something so special about him. I think about him often, and tonight more than ever. Charlie has touched so many lives in the short time he was here. I feel so blessed that I got to meet him.

***As I was typing this and went to find the pictures I had of Charlie, I realized that I had been here before. Writing a very similar post. The last one was written better, probably because it wasn't written at close to 1:00 in the morning, but oh well.

We miss you Charlie and we will never forget you.  

Shy or Snooty?

If I don't feel comfortable in a situation, while most people come off as shy, I for some reason come off as cold and stuck up. I don't know why (I really must have a "b*tchy resting face"), but it is something that I have always dealt with. I have had many people tell me after getting to know me, that before they knew me they thought I was stuck up.

I am extremely shy by nature, but when I am comfortable I am VERY outgoing. So I think it comes across a little confusing to those I have acted shy towards. I really just keep to myself in most situations, I talk only when talked to, when I am not in my element. Very opposite of my very outgoing Mom. She loves to learn everyone's life stories and makes friends wherever she goes. I can be like this also, but usually only after a few shots of tequila (as many of my close friends know). I wish I knew how to make myself more approachable and less scary (if that is even the issue?). I don't know why some people can be shy, but they come off as so sweet and reserved and others like me, don't. Greg is even more outgoing than I am at this point. An example, if I see a neighbor out I wave and say Hi and ask how they are doing, then I go on my merry way. Greg will drop what he is doing walk closer to them and start up a convo, what they heck does he even have to say to our neighbors? My brain is fried, I don't think I have enough brain cells to deal with small talk especially when I am trying to get something done, or get going somewhere. I just hate small talk. I really do. I know that you can't just jump into friendships without small talk, at least not for the most part. But I feel like most of my closest friends, we have just clicked and never had to do the awkward small talk thing.

I don't even know if I am making sense anymore. I am kind of just trying to figure out what my issue is. I know this is a super random post, but it stemmed from a conversation I had with my Mom, and it has really just stuck with me these past few days since then. I am just trying to see how I can change how I am perceived, so that people don't take me not talking to them personally but just realize I am shy. Maybe if I just walk around with a huge smile plastered to my face at all times?

Alright, I am done fixating on this. I guess at this point I am just lucky that I have friends that have looked past my icy shyness and love me for me (the crazy hot mess that I am)! :)

Some "us" time!

I am so excited, on Thursday Greg and I are going on a cruise with two of our closest friends. This will be our first time leaving all three kids for an extended time. I am a tad nervous, just because I am a worrier by nature, but my excitement is definitely overshadowing that! We are so lucky to have great family that are willing to watch three young kids, believe me its no easy feat. Whenever I have had a tough day lately, I would just imagine myself on the ship hanging out by the pool, pina colada in hand, quietly relaxing (let's be real, I will probably be non-stop talking, I'm horrible at relaxing, which anyone who has laid out with me before knows.)! I know I am going to miss them like crazy, but this is a MUCH need vacay! It's nice for Greg and I to have some us time and to really just let loose and have some fun! CAN. NOT. WAIT...

Only a few more days, and I will be sailing away! :) Oops, I meant "we" will be sailing away!

Addi has humbled me.

Addi has humbled me as a parent. Before she came along I thought I was an amazing parent who knew just what to do in any situation. I didn't think I was a better parent than the next (ok maybe I did, just a little), but I really thought I had my shit together.

Aubrey was a hard newborn, but a really easy infant and toddler. She was calm and loved to be right next to me at all times. She listened like you wouldn't believe. I totally thought it was my approach on things that made her that way. I always talked things out so she knew what to expect and what I expected.

Here is an example: If we were leaving the park, I would give her a warning letting her know it was almost time to go bye bye, then when the time came to go I would take her hand and we would sweetly say our goodbyes to the slide, the swings, and everything in between. We would walk calmly to the car and she would climb in and help me buckle her car seat and we'd be on our way.

Fast forward to Addi as a infant/toddler (pretty much the moment she became mobile a whole new Addi emerged). I would give my warning and then I'd go to take her hand and she would scream bloody murder and let her body go limp (this is her favorite move), so I'd ask her nicely to please stand up and walk like a big girl, screaming continues. I then go to pick her up and flailing ensues. I try to calmly explain to her that it is time to go and we need to say our goodbyes. More flailing, she takes a few swings at my face, basically all around mayhem. By this point I am sweating bullets, people are staring, I am trying to stay composed. I try one more time to explain. Doesn't work. I resign to the fact that she is now too worked up to listen, I hold her under one arm (so she can't hit me) while she kicks and screams, Aubrey and I say our goodbyes and we rush to the car. Aubrey climbs in and buckles herself in, I place Addi in her seat, her body immediately stiffens and pushes forward. I ask her nicely to please sit in her seat. She is as red as can be trying her hardest to keep her body from sitting in the seat.(Addi is small but mighty) I try to gently push her bottom into the seat, no luck. Try a little harder, still not luck. I then use as much strength as I can without hurting her and finally, she's in her seat. I rush to grab the buckles before she stiffens up again, while dodging her flailing arms. Finally she is in. I get down to her level and try to talk to her about her behavior. She is too upset to listen, or maybe she just doesn't understand me. We then go on our way, and she cries the entire way home. I feel defeated, I feel like a horrible mother and I am drenched with sweat. Just awesome.

I wish I could say this was a once in a while occurrence, but change the place and the day and it's still the same story. Today was one of those days, Addi was a mess, not listening, throwing tantrum, just being plain disruptive. I used to look at misbehaving children and think that that would never be a child of mine. I thought I could handle anything. I was so wrong. Addi has shown me just how hard being a parent can be, and to have more compassion for others going through it. She has definitely knocked me down a few pegs.

I think as parents it is easy to get caught up in what we believe is the right and wrong way to raise a child. We compare ourselves to others. Even the nicest of people do it, it's human nature. We see someone doing something we would "never" do as a parent, and judge them for it. I had even wondered before having dealt with it myself, why parents weren't "handling" their kids. How could they possibly let their kid get away with behaving that way? Then on the other hand we see mothers who seem to have it all together (feeding their kids the healthiest food, making sure their kids don't watch tv or use electronic devices, having set educational activities for the day, have kids that listen, have time for crafting, never raise their voices, etc...) and feel bad that we don't do as much or parent as well as they seem to. All I know is we are all doing the best we can. Truthfully some days I feel like I am just surviving. I have to remind myself that as long as I am giving it my best, that is enough. I am there for my kids, I play with my kids, I  love and adore my kids. At the end of the day that is what is important, and that is what Addi has taught me.

Mother's Day!

This year was my best Mother's day yet! My other Mother's days have not always gone so well. Getting lost at TPC for what felt like days (back when they didn't allow cell phones), celebrating it weeks after the fact, and really just things not going as planned. This year things didn't really go as planned either, but in a wonderful way. We got to do so much more than we had planned on doing and the kids had a blast, which to me is the best gift EVER! Watching my kids have fun and be happy makes for a perfect day! I loved every second of my Mother's day.

Greg was AWESOME, when Addi was fussy he'd scoop her up and tickle or sing her into a better mood. I didn't change a SINGLE diaper, which that in itself is AMAZING! Greyson also said his first three word sentence, he has said little sentences like... "Hi Dada!", "Thank you.", "Love you", "Go Bye Bye", "Shoes on", "Show please.". That kind of stuff, basically just connecting two words. So I felt like when he said "I did it!" it was such a neat thing! Plus what a positive first sentence to have! Greyson surprises me every day with what he knows. I can tell him to do something and he knows exactly what I am saying and does it. Which is something I struggle with with Addi. But I have great news on that front too, Addi is understand and talking A TON more than she was. We have a long ways to go but, she has made huge strides in her communication. I am hoping this is the turning point that I have been waiting for and things will only get better from here on out!

Sorry got a little sidetracked there. Back to Mother's Day...

The kids got me a card, flowers, and a balloon and gave it to me on Friday before we left for Disney. While at Disney Aubrey said we needed to go to one of the shops so she could get me a Mothers Day gift. Greg reminded her that she already did. She then said "No I didn't Dad, you got her that and pretended it was from us." I died laughing, you have to appreciate the honesty that kids have. I just love it. She also was randomly wrapping up things from her room all week long as Mother's Day presents to me. Reminded me of my youngest brother, he loved wrapping up his toy cars and giving them to my Mom as gifts, sometimes he even wrapped up things that already belonged to the person he was gifting it to. He always kept us laughing (and still keeps us laughing now). I just had to ask Aubrey if she had been getting these idea's from her uncle. She swears she didn't.

So yep, I had a great Mother's Day and I hope all of you wonderful Mother's out there did too! :)

Worry, worry, worry... all I do is worry.

Greyson has been talking up a storm lately, he is saying over 60 or so words and saying new ones daily, just learned 3 new ones today. I am so very happy that he is loving to communicate but at the same time it really makes me sad about Addi. They probably know around the same amount of words at this point, Addi connects them more than Greyson because she knows phrases (like "Are you alright?", "I'm okay.", "What's wrong?", "How are you?",  , but Greyson says them much clearer. The biggest difference though is, understanding and responses. Greyson really understands a lot and responds correctly when asked things. Addi really doesn't respond or communicate. It is just really getting me down lately. She talks on her own terms which isn't all that often and doesn't like to be forced, so it is making her growth go very slowly.

I know I have been going on about it for forever (way too many posts written on this subject), but it's just a huge issue right now that doesn't seem to be getting much better. I would just love to be able to have communication with her as I do my 1 year old. It is just so sad, she is almost 3. I just wish there was more I could do, or a quick fix. How do you make someone do something they don't want to do or maybe feels they can't do? I am just so tired of worrying about it constantly. I want to understand her and for her to understand me. I don't want her to start realizing that she is behind and I worry that with Greyson's speech getting better everyday, she will realize it soon. I just adore her so much and want to know what goes on in the cooky head of hers. She is turning into the sweetest little girl, hugs and kisses for days, she is obsessed with the outdoors (seriously my Mom calls her her little flower child, Addi would just live outside if she could, playing in the dirt, picking flowers and dancing around inhaling them). I am trying with all my might to stay patient and to keep trying to help her learn to talk. Just hoping for a break through at some point. :/