As Addi's Birthday approaches I can't help but think about Charlie. It's so hard not to. It's hard not to feel guilt. The day I was welcoming my baby into the world, a friend was losing hers. Now two years have gone by, but it still feels like yesterday.
I spent a long time looking for a card to send this year, and none of them were good enough. I sat down and wrote what I wanted to say, but it also wasn't good enough. I just can't seem to put into words how I feel, how I think of him often, how every time I do my heart breaks all over again. I wish I had the words to make her understand just how amazing I thought Charlie was, how sweet, caring, and kind he was. How I still remember him playing in the water giggling and swimming like a fish. I still remember him running around my house laughing and playing and having a blast.
I just can't find the right words. Words that really convey how much I think of him and pray for them. Words that don't sound forced or fake and are eloquently put. Words that will make them feel better, that will make them get how much Charlie touched everyone's lives.
After I wrote in the card I had settled for, I decided to look for another and to start again. Then tonight while I lay in bed I realized I don't think I will find the "right" words, because there are none. All I can do is let her know that although I may not have gone through what she has gone through, and I may not know exactly how that feels, I still care a whole awful lot and I still think about Charlie all the time. So I am scratching the card idea. Most of what I wrote in the card did not come out the way I had wanted, except for one part:
"I just want you to know no matter how many seconds, how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years go by I will never forget him."
I will never forget him, and I know that anyone who's had the pleasure of getting to know him feels the same.