Hopes.

I feel like I have had so much stress lately. I know it is partly my own doing, I over think everything and try to control things that are out of my control. I don't know what else to say about it, all I know is that I seem to be able to cry at the drop of a hat.

Mother's day was this weekend and if you know me well you know I am not one to get excited for holidays (especially Christmas). I feel like holiday's growing up were so stressful and I would have high expectations that they were going to be better than the year before but they never were. Each year my expectations got lower and lower, until I basically had none. I should explain that a little, so you don't go on thinking I had a horrible childhood or something. So you know how I stress about things, well I got that from my Mom. Around holidays can be a stressful time, so most times my Mom was very stressed which that then filtered down and made things tense around the house making holidays quite un-enjoyable because I was always pretty stressed about my Mom being stressed, sounds crazy I know.

Anyways I remember one Mother's day, I think I was the only one of my siblings that made my Mom a card that year, but I didn't even make a gift which was unusual for me. I always tried to make something special for my Mom. I don't even know if my Dad got her anything, can't really remember. All I know is my Mom was quite hurt that we all didn't seem to think it was necessary to celebrate her and to show our appreciation. I never really understood why she was so upset, I figured she knew how much we loved her and what a great Mom she was so why did she need that extra bit of acknowledgement? I never got it until I became a mother.

I have been busting my butt to take care of two girls while pregnant (and having no spare energy), trying to get the house in order to be shown repeatedly, trying to research houses to buy, trying to deal with getting finances in order, paying a million medical bills, dealing with an issue on Greg's credit, dealing with setting up appointments to put our stuff in storage and to get the house and carpets cleaned. I feel like I have been doing so much with out a bit of appreciation. So when Mother's day rolled around, I had high hopes even though every other year hadn't been great and one was just plain awful (on my very first Mother's day Greg didn't even spend it with me, he spent it with his Dad and Brother, and I spent it lost with Ashley, Aubrey and Ethan...long story), the others I spent celebrating Greg's Mom since we always do Mother's day with her on Mother's day and then Greg maybe took me and the girls out to dinner the next weekend to celebrate "my" Mother's day. So while others got a whole day, I got maybe an hour and a half and most times I was the one still doing all the work that goes along with bringing a child out to dinner with you. On top of that we don't usually do gifts for holidays, mostly because I usually use my "gift" up for something I want for the kids when I need a way to convince Greg to let me get it, so I tell him it can be in lieu of my gift and Greg never wants me to spend money on him so I try to get something really little but thoughtful (last year was pictures of Aubrey spelling out DADA and I framed it for his desk at work, and made him a mousepad for work too).

This year I had heard Greg on the phone saying something about doing something Saturday night or Sunday morning, so I thought that maybe he was trying to squeeze in a little time for me this Mother's day actually on or near Mother's day. I got my hopes up. So then Saturday night came and went, and I found out the only thing he had planned for Sunday morning was to go biking with friends. It was just the last straw. Do I really mean that little? I was just so hurt. I know it seems stupid because it's not that big of a holiday but I just didn't get it why as a Mother I never get to have an actual Mother's day. Greg could tell I was mad, and kept asking what was wrong. I finally just broke down, and told him how hurt I was that we never celebrate me being a Mother, how I am always just part of plans that his family has made for his Mom or worse not part of plans he has made at all (TPC, Biking, etc.). I went on to tell him it would just feel nice to be appreciated, especially on a holiday created to show appreciation. I understand he has his Mom and it's her day too (I also have my Mom to celebrate with but we always celebrate on a different day), but since having kids he has yet to realize that it's a day for me too. I mean he hadn't even gotten me a card. He was really understanding, and said he would try harder in the future. He did wake up early the next morning before I even got up and went and got cards from him and the girls and two gift cards, he also got my favorite cherry turnovers and key lime pie! He wrote the sweetest message he had ever written inside the card from him, it actually made me cry. I know it was last minute and he hadn't really planned anything but it was a great start, and I was so happy and appreciative that he made the effort after knowing how much it meant to me.

Anyways all in all I had a great day. So maybe future Mother's day will be better. But don't worry one thing I know for sure, I will not make the mistake of getting my hopes up again.