After that...

After that heavy post, I think I need to lighten it up a bit...

Hmmm...

Maybe a few of my current favorite pics will help!!

I live for...

little... 

moments...

like...

this!! 

Our Miracles (Post 1- Our First Miracle)

Since becoming husband and wife in 2007, Greg and I have been through a lot. We started trying to conceive immediately, mostly due to my persistence. Greg had wanted to wait two years. I spent a lot of time convincing him we couldn't. I made him see that it could take some time to become pregnant, all the while thinking it would for sure happen right away. We both seem to have extremely fertile families.

A year later, we still had not conceived. Each month that passed became harder and harder for me. I was crushed every time. I had researched like crazy and just knew something was wrong. I went to an OB, one I had never met since I hadn't had one in the area yet. She treated me like I was crazy, and that I was the problem because I was putting to much pressure on myself and on Greg. I of course cried, she obviously had no clue how hard it is to hope and pray and think your pregnant each month, and then find out you are not. Soul crushing, is what it is.

A few months went by, and I decided to skip another visit to the worthless OB and set up an appointment with a fertility clinic instead. In my loads of research I had read to start the testing with the male. It is cheaper and way less invasive. We got the results in a matter of days. Greg's sperm had 0% normal morphology. I am no doctor, nor do I pretend to be, but when you see a big fat zero you know it can't be good. We find out his sperm have no chance of breaking through an egg. So onto IVF we went...

IVF, in-vitro fertilization, umm let me just say NOT FUN. Greg had to administer 1-3 shots a day to my thigh, upper butt, and worst of all my stomach. He literally has to chase me around and hold me down to do the stomach ones. It was like getting injected with fire. My body did amazingly on all the drugs, my abnormally young ovaries produced 23 healthy eggs!! That is more than double the norm!! Can you tell how proud I am of them?!

So there I was thinking the worst was over, then came the egg retrieval. My biggest fear was being put under, well that was nothing compared to the horrid pain I was in and the swelling. I looked 6 months pregnant. They took all 23 of my eggs and injected them with Greg's sperm. So then it was just a waiting game to see how well they would do. We got a call daily updating us on our "babies". We lost two and all the others did wonderfully. Five days after the retrieval was the transfer. They put two embryos in.

We were so excited, for sure this was it, we would finally have a baby. I followed all the rules, stayed in bed after, didn't pee on a stick, and kept hydrated. Two weeks later I went in to find out my beta number. They called later that day, it literally felt like weeks went by waiting for their call. They said I was in fact pregnant but it didn't look good so I needed to come back in and retest to see if it was going up. So I went in two days later and again time slowed, the call came, and I was told I was miscarrying. I couldn't even breathe. I had waited my whole life for the moment I would find out I was going to be a Mom, and now I was being told in the very next breath that I was losing my baby. Needless to say I was hysterical. For the first and only time I cried myself to sleep. To make matters worse, Greg had a bachelor cruise to go on the very next day. It had been planned for close to a year and he was the best man. So while he was away, I cried non-stop and miscarried.

We were back at square one, well almost. This time I didn't have to do the egg retrieval but still had daily shots, and now had to add some hormone patches into the mix. This time after the transfer I said screw the rules, and tested as soon as I could, and got two lines! I was so excited so after that I tested daily to see if it would get darker. It continued to. I went in for my beta, I got a really high number! It was the best day ever, but we still had to make sure it was going up. Well, it more than doubled! I was finally pregnant! This was how our first miracle, aka Aubrey, came to be!

Our First Miracle

Yep, another post!

I know, I know. I have posted a bunch already today, but this HAS to be talked about!

Aubrey has been talking up a storm lately. Not clearly at all, but talking nonetheless. She is constantly just trying to repeat what I say. So I was saying " I love you" for the billionth time, and guess what? She said it back!! So I of course grabbed her and kissed her all over. I have never been so excited in all of my life. Which is pretty sad, since she had no clue what she was saying. Oh well, I am just going to believe she did! Ignorance is bliss, right?

Appointments...

It seems like doctor appointments have taken over our lives. We have had around four a week since Addison came home from the NICU. Today I found myself wanting to call and cancel. It just gets overwhelming at times.

I feel like a lot of the burden... wait no, that's not a good word... hmmm...

I feel like a lot of the responsibility (much better) and stress falls on me. Greg is amazing, but he can't make all the appointments. It's a lot to handle on my own, emotionally.

Today though, was actually a positive experience. The Speech Therapist was impressed with the improvement Addison had made. Which to tell you the truth shocked me a bit. Mostly because I did absolutely nothing to change the way she was eating. She had given me a special bottle, which I didn't us. She had told me to add rice cereal to my breast milk, which upset Addison's stomach, so I didn't do it. So I am not sure where her improvement came from? Oh well, I liked that we were finally hearing positive things! A person can only take so much negative news.

The Occupational Therapist was also impressed with Addison's skills. Yep, my baby's got skills! She was so active for her, kicking, rolling, and even focusing on toys. The therapist told me I was doing a good job. So nice to hear. Want to know the way she could tell I was doing so well? Because my baby's got such a nice round noggin, no missing patches of hair!! So not only does Addison have skills, but she's got a nice looking head! Yep, I am a good Mom (patting myself on the back as I type)! So all in all having appointments today wasn't half bad. Tomorrow, now that may be a different story...

Showing off her skills. Look, no hands!

 

Simple Smile!

I can be having the absolute worse day, where nothing seems to be going right and then BAM a smile from my babies and it all seems worth it. I really can't get enough, especially when giggles come with it!

I mean who can resist...

...these smiling faces!!

LOVE THEM!!

Keep Forgetting...

I keep forgetting about Addison's upcoming surgery, and then once I remember I get panicky. It's just one week from today. I have purposely put it out of my mind and really haven't accepted that it is actually happening. I know it might not be the best way to deal with it but its how I tend to deal with most things that upset me. I don't know why, but I fool myself into believing that if I ignore something, it isn't real or it will just go away.

I am scared that when it is finally time for the surgery I am going to be so overwhelmed by emotions. I just can't imagine them cutting into my little baby. I just don't know how I will handle seeing her with tubes going every which way all over again, and looking so helpless and frail. She is just the sweetest baby girl and doesn't deserve to have to go through all of this. Okay that's just way too much thinking about it, time to push it out of my mind for now...

My poor sweet baby in the NICU

The Never Ending Migraine.

I can't seem to catch up on sleep. Even when we have good nights, a good night being Addison only waking up twice, I end up feeling more tired than I did before. To top it off this lack of sleep has led to a permanent migraine. Two weeks straight is just enough to drive anyone to insanity. I will probably never be rid of this awful thing because I can't take my normal prescription due to my lovely pumping duties. So the doctor decides to prescribe me pain medication, which seems a little crazy to me. I refuse to take  it. I know, I know. I am a little off my rocker. I am just not big on pain medications, to tell you the truth they scare the poo out of me.

After giving birth I was wrecked down "there" and had throbbing pain due to being on my feet all day in the NICU, just one day after giving birth. Greg finally wore me down and got me to take a pain pill. It made me totally loopy. I mean I had been crying non-stop for days, but I was literally laughing hysterically in a drunk like state. It was too freaky. My baby girl is laying in the NICU, barley eating, lethargic, and orange, and I am practically rolling on the ground deliriously laughing. Just isn't normal.

So yep, no pain pills for me. Which means I will just have to get used to living out the rest of my life with the never ending migraine! Umm, dramatic much?!

Band-aids

"What's with all the band aids?" Greg asked inquisitively as he looks at my fingers covered in band aids. 

"Two crying babies." I replied with slight annoyance.

He looks at me with confusion.

"You trying making dinner, with two babies screaming, whining, and crying nonstop." I say with frustration.

"You are too funny." He says through laughter.

I shoot him the dirtiest look I can muster the energy to make and say "I'm not trying to be funny".

Yep it's been that kind of day.

"Aubrey, Be Nice."

Those words come out of my mouth more times than I care to count when Aubrey is around other kids, and today was no exception. She just doesn't seem to like kids her own age. It is truly driving me mad. She pushes, screams, cries, and sometimes even kicks whenever other kids come near her. I wish there was a correct way to deal with this, and if there is and I am the only one who doesn't know it, can someone PLEASE clue me in. I am told repeatedly that it is just a phase, and God I hope that is true. I am SO ready for this phase to be over.

Its quite pathetic how much I want her to be nice and socialize. I find myself making sure to take pictures when she is around other kids and not crying or screaming, just so it looks like she gets along with others. Needless to say I don't have many pictures to show.

Pillow length away, an acceptable distance for Little Miss Aubrey.

Transition into Motherhood...

I thought babies wouldn't change much. After twenty five months straight of being pregnant/ breastfeeding and two kids later it is glaringly obvious that isn't the case.

For as long as I could remember I wanted kids. The transition was quite tough for me, most of my friends thought I was nuts for having kids so early. None of them were really in the same part of their life as me, so it was hard for them to understand. We tried for just under two years with no luck. The whole time I was scared I wasn't going to be able to have kids and about what would happen to my relationships and life if it did in fact happen. Finally, after one miscarriage and two cycles of IVF I was pregnant! Aubrey hadn't even arrived and already things changed. I saw less and less of them. I feel like I have lost part of who I am .

Friends have always been so important to me. I have never had a ton, but the ones I had were always incredibly close ones. I felt like basically I was starting from scratch once I became a Mom. Most of my friends from before don't quite understand my life, and I feel like I don't quitw fit in theirs. Instead of  all day shopping trips, girls dinners, gossip sessions, going to movies, drinking, dancing, laying around by the pool or at the beach, sleeping in, working, reading for pleasure... I am changing diapers, reading children's books, rolling around on the ground, running around the house, frequenting parks and Zoo's, watching educational shows, stressing about how much my child is eating, talking, moving, learning, searching for missing sippy cups and other misc items, going to play-dates, pumping like crazy, feeding, clothing, and not sleeping, and the list goes on and on.

To tell you the truth though, I wouldn't trade it for the anything... even on days like this, when I have two overtired fussy babies taking turns screaming their heads off !

My transition into motherhood has not been easy, but then again there isn't much about motherhood that is.

Mind Reeling

I am new to blogging, but really I have so much already I want to blog about. As I lay her in bed trying to sleep (which with a 7 week old is hard to come by) my mind won't let me. I just keep thinking of everything I would like to get off my chest and also trying to figure out where to start. All the while thinking "Shut up brain, your making me miss out on precious sleep"...

BLOGGING!

And so it begins... Lots of things have changed in my life and quite quickly. So I decided its time to sort it all out and keep up with life through blogging. I know I'm a little late to the game, but better late than never! :)