Guilt has been something I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. I feel guilty for almost everything. I am not really sure why, but I think I got it from my Mom. Lately I have had a lot of guilt. I end up taking it out on Greg a lot of times. Which makes me feel even more guilty.
So what is giving me guilt?? Basically I feel like Addison doesn't get enough attention. I feel pulled in so many different directions. Addison sleeps a lot, and is just the most easy going baby I have ever met. She is always content no matter where she is, in her carseat, swing, play gym, rock and go, blanket, and crib. She rarely cries. Believe me I am not complaining, but I feel like because she doesn't cry or complain that I never want to bother her if she is in something and happy, or especially if she is sleeping. Aubrey is much more dependent on me (always has been) and so I cater to her and in turn feel like I am neglecting Addison. It is eating away at me.
I have tried to have some one on one time with her when Greg gets home. I have also had Greg have one on one time with her. Greg doesn't get my guilt. I ask him to spend some time with Addison and he puts her in her swing or in something, and I have to try to explain that that is not really spending quality time with her. This is when I start taking my guilt out on him. I get mad at him for not paying "enough" attention to her, but really I am mad at myself.
During the day I am trying my best to split my time between the girls, and trying to spend time reading or playing with both together. Its beyond hard. I feel like the worst Mother. Like I am failing both girls in different ways. Failing Aubrey because I may not be teaching her as much as other Mothers are teaching their toddlers. Failing Addison because I can't hold her at all times.
I keep trying to convince myself that as long as I am doing the best I can that I shouldn't feel bad. It doesn't work. I just hope I am doing good enough. I hope I am not hindering or scarring them. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself.