Never-ending.

Today was a tough day. We met with Addi's pediatrician and went over everything with him. Asked him all the questions I have been compiling in my mind for the past few weeks after finding out suddenly that Addi had so many more problems than we had thought. I was so overwhelmed the day we got the news that I didn't even get to wrap my head around it enough to ask any real questions. So finally getting to ask them was nice, but after getting the answers I am pretty sure I really didn't want to know the answers.

It seems like this is going to be a long process, and that it may entail reconstructive surgery in her future and we found out that taking out her adenoids might not help with her speech, it might actually make it worse. It will help with her breathing though. Which I am thankful for but I am just really sad to know that her speech could get worse. We have been working so hard on her speech, and come so far that being able to understand her less than we already do is going to be hard to swallow. Over the past few weeks (since they took the earwax out allowing her to hear out of her good ear) her speech has taken off like crazy! It is still very nasally but we can actually understand a lot more of what she is saying, and she is saying a TON of sentences! I am now worried we are going to be taking a huge step back.

I told my doctor it seems like this will be never-ending and he told me it pretty much would be (in nicer terms of course). It seems like she might always have speech problems. I am not sure if he is trying to make sure I am not getting my hopes up to high, or just being realistic. I do get overly hopeful about things, and by now I think he knows that. Thank goodness for him though, he is always so honest with us and straightforward and he has such a soft spot for Addi. He loves her spunk and how resilient she is. She always shocks all the doctors with her fight and how quickly she bounces back from things. I just pray that as she gets older that it stays that way. I really hope she doesn't remember any of this because I know that watching my baby moaning in pain after her last surgery was so traumatic for me that I can't even imagine how traumatic this all is for her or will be for her in the future. I asked the doctor for reassurance that this recovery wouldn't be as bad as her cleft surgery, and he told me that the cleft surgery is one of the most painful surgeries there is, that it is even much more painful then childbirth. Can you even imagine? Thank goodness we are past that surgery already, and I just hope to God that when they do the bronchoscopy and laryngoscopy that they don't find any more issues with her cleft.

I know this is a totally uninteresting post, this post is mostly just to get my thoughts out because I am going insane thinking and worrying about everything. Please if you are still reading this, just keep my baby girl in your thoughts and prayers. I am dreading these next few days and I know they are going to be way worse for her, especially since she doesn't even see it coming. It just breaks my heart.