Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Another Year, Another Birthday.

Addi finally fully recovered last Wednesday (my Birthday). Both girls were extra wonderful this day, we met up with some friends and had such a great time. The girls were so well behaved I had to double check that I had the right kids (hehehe just kidding they are usually wonderful!). When we got home they both went down for a nap with no problems. So far the day had gone great, well except for the fact that everyone (and their mother) had told me Happy Birthday except for my own darn husband. So I called him at work (I had yet to talk to him that day), and just told him all the normal stuff I tell him and then said "ok well I think that's about it, anything you would like to tell me?" He of course paused and then said nope, and that he would talk to me later. I then asked if he was sure, about three more times. Then he finally realized. He claimed he was yanking my chain and he knew after the first time I asked, but somehow I just don't believe him. He is not really big on holiday's or celebrations. I mean we did absolutely nothing for his Birthday (4 days earlier). His brother even came down for it and all we did was sit around his Mom's house. He seemed a little down about not doing much of anything, and we aren't really ones who like to sit around and do nothing, so I asked him over and over if he wanted to do something to celebrate, but he said no. Anyways back to my Birthday. Greg emailed me later asking if I wanted to go to a movie or ice cream after dinner. Since my Birthday was on a Wednesday I told him that I would rather do something on Saturday and actually plan it out (babysitter, etc.).

So Friday night, I start wondering if Greg has planned anything or if he has forgotten. He then asks me if I want to go hang out with some of his friends from work Saturday night. I was so beyond exhausted at that moment that I told him to ask me tomorrow when I could think more clearly (also telling him this in hopes he would remember we were supposed to do something for my Birthday). So Saturday rolls around and he asks again about the get together. I told him I was just too tired to meet new people and make small talk. So he then asks if I mind if he goes. I was kind of taken aback I just assumed it was either we both go or neither one of us go. So I went to my go to response "just do whatever you want to do". I hate telling people what to do, or saying no. Mostly because I HATE when people tell me what I can and can't do. So I never say no, I will usually let my thoughts be known but let him make the decision for himself. I didn't say much about my thoughts on this one, because I really thought maybe he would remember our tentative Birthday plans. That night we were heading up to Jax to meet my family for an early dinner to celebrate both Greg's and my Birthday's, so Greg would have to drive separately if he wanted to go to the get together afterwards. I thought for sure he wouldn't want to spend the extra money, or effort.

Welp, I was wrong. He chose to go. When he chose to go I fought back tears, how pitiful right? I didn't even know why I was so hurt, but I was. Then I started to think of how my life has been lately. I get to see friends maybe once a week, I spend all my time taking care of the girls and I rarely if ever get to just go do something for me. Greg doesn't really get what it is like to be so tied down. I know that sounds awful to call it "tied down" but I really don't know how else to describe it. I can't just go wherever I want, whenever I want. I'm lucky I get to use the bathroom with out kids in tow. He is so free about everything. He doesn't mind leaving me to watch the girls, and for me it takes at the very least a week of planning out just when I am going to leave the girls and exactly what I will be doing, and then most times I don't even end up going. I know it is partly my fault (Greg of course pointed that out), but I just feel like I have given up so much more than he has. Not just with becoming a parent, but with this temporary move to PC and being pregnant on top of it all. I didn't realize how sad I have become being here. I miss my life in Jax, and I miss my life before kids.

So if you are wondering what came of our Saturday night... well I cried the whole way driving to Jax (did I mention I'm pregnant? Lol), quietly so the girls wouldn't notice. Then Greg made me tell him why I was so upset before we met up with my family. I told him about the plans he forgot to make, the move to PC (his idea), feeling like I am losing myself, feeling like I am losing my friends, feeling like he hasn't given up as much, etc... and guess what??? He still went, and nope we have not celebrated my Birthday and doubt we ever will.

So yeah... HAPPY 29th BIRTHDAY to me. (Yep, I am throwing a pity party over here.)
FYI: This is of course me venting, please know Greg is beyond wonderful (more times than not), he just sometimes makes poor decisions. :/

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